Just a fun miscelleaneous

Sitting on a bench on Emmek. Guy on motorcycle pulls up.

Guy "hefedmhbfd afo Jaffa juyufgh....?"
Me "Um, I can't hear you. And I don't speak hebrew."
He is wearing a helmet that encompasses his entire head and neck. Apart from the strip of translucency that shows his eyes, he is literally wearing a space helmet.

Guy "Do you know where Jaffa is?"
Me "That way [big vague point to the right, because I'm pretty much the best direction giver ever]

8 minutes later

Pulls up again
Guy "Are you waiting for someone?"
Me "Nope."
Guy "Do you have any free time?"
Me "Uh."
Guy "Will you come to Jaffa with me?"
Me "I can't even see your face."
Guy "...Yeah"
Me "Take off your helmet."
Guy "Ehh...no."
Me "How can I go if I don't even know what you look like?"
Guy "It makes things more interesting."
I can tell he's smiling when he says this.
Me "Yeah, but... If I had a helmet on my head you wouldn't have even stopped to talk to me."
Guy "....This is true. How 'bout I make a deal. When you come to Jaffa with me..."
Me "So after we GET there, then you'll take your helmet off?"
Guy "No."
Me [dramatic sigh] "Then I guess I'm just gonna have to assume you're creepy."
Guy "Ok."

Glam-ou-rama

I am leaning on a column outside the club, after many minutes of dancing to various Mamma Mia and Britney Spears songs. I am currently calling Georgia, and at the exact moment I hang up, I equally surprised and alarmed by a sudden presence. A blond guy is very close to my face.

Imagine your typical surfer, with the aesthetic of a french male.
He speaks hebrew in a quiet voice:
FrenchBlondSurfer "[......hebrew...................?]"
Me "Uh,"
FBS [repeats]
Me "Anee. lo. medeberit. anglit."
thats actually how slow I said it.
FBS "You don't speak hebrew?"
He is literally 6 inches from my face.
Me "No."
FBS "What do you speak?"
Me "English..."
FBS "Where are you from?"
Me "....America."
FBS "[pause] Why you here....?" soft stoner voice at its best.
Me "Cuz I just came from there-"
FBS " .......Why you not in there?"
Me "Because I'm here."
FBS "....Why?"
Me "Because I hurt my foot and I'm bleeding everywhere."
FBS "I...(puts hand over heart) can take you."
Me "Uh, you can?"
FBS "Yes."
Me "Wait, are you gonna do something bad?"
FBS "Yes."
Huh, not the answer I was expecting.
Me "[jump back] What?!"
FBS [he laughs] "Come I take you."
pause
Me "Are you ok? You seem..... high or drunk."
FBS "Ehh.. [waves hand]" again with the ever-present smile

what ended up happening was me galloping away into the darkness (the wrong direction and alone)... only to get another ride offer by a complete, much older, and UNattractive stranger... "Mickey". Which I took. Only to be the prelude to a series of hitched rides and new mode of transportation.

Intro: Jared

Jared "I love crows."
Me "Why?"
Jared "Because of how they sound."
Me "How do they sound like?"
Jared "In pain and depressed."

[singing Part of Your World]
Me "You like the song Part of Your World? Why??"
Jared "It's EMPOWERING."

Jared "Corey is the simplest person I've ever met. He's like a rock. A grain of sand."

looking at a huge mural depicting Jerusalem
[wistful tone] "Look at all the children. Enjoying their LACHMANEEOT."

Jared "Isn't that a good quote?"
Me "What, I wasn't listening."
Jared "To find someone you love, you have to be someone you love."
Me [!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Jared "Isn't that good?!"
Jared [voice high in pitch] "What!!"

[watching youtube videos of pandas]
Me [in disgust] "Are you CRYING?"
Jared [voice completely cracked] Yeeeah..."
Me [horrified]
Jared "That's the fucking c-cutest I've [even higher] ever seeen..."

Me [holding nipples imitating Buffalo Bill] "I'D FUCK ME!!!"
Jared (beyond perfect imitation, completely transforming to our favorite transexual) "It puts the lotion on its skin whenever its told."
"PUT THE LOTION IN THE BAY-ESKET!"

Jared on Eli's tatto:
"You know when you love someone so much?
....I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."

Jared "Do you have any Wacky Mac left? You DOO?!!"

7 minutes later

Jared "Let's make food. You wanna make food?"
Me "How about wacky mac.
Jared "No.
......
Let's make pasta."
Me "Who has noodles?"
Jared "We do."
Me "Who has cheese?"
Jared "You."
Me "It's pizza cheese."
Jared "So? It still melts."
Georgia "...Isn't that Wacky Mac?"
Jared "It's already EIGHT O'CLOCK."
[me and georgia look at eachother]
Me "Do you have somewhere to be?"
Jared "No."

Heimlich Maneuver

So it's just me and Deronda (Dorona), always and 4eva, sitting next to eachother on our laptops. I reach for my last Werthers Butter Candy...

Dorona "Oh my."
Me "It's my last one."
Dorona "Oh."

I know saying no will haunt me forever, in that she will never let me forget it if she ever offered (begrudgingly) me anything.

Me "But you can have it."
Dorona "Really!"
Me "Oh yes."

Right as she pops it in her mouth Corinne comes in... and she starts CHOKING.

Corinne in open doorway "doronasdying!"
Me [staring incredulous]
Corinne with big smile "DORONASDYING!"

She is literally turning red and dying before my eyes.

Me "Dorona if you die... I'm not gonna save you."

Have you ever seen when someone gets something trapped in their windpipe and they start laughing and sound like a smoker and a man at the same time? That's what was happening.

Dorona "Guys..[cough cough] I'm not gonna die."
Me "I don't believe you..."
Dorona "It's ok. [regaining control] I can just go like this [wraps arms around torso and I guess gives a little push]."
Me "Oh, so if I just give myself a hug I'll successfully perform the Heimlich Maneuver? Cool."
Dorona "No, you go like this"-and as she pushes against her body she FARTS.

It's hard to remember feeling so unsure of what to do.

Me "Dorona...!"
Dorona {laughing incessantly]
Me "I can't believe that just happened."
Dorona "It wasn't that bad. It was a baby...!"
Me "OH, there were some echoes."
Dorona [still laughing]
Me "That was not very lady-like."
Dorona [voice still recovering at about 5 octaves too low] "I never said I was a lady..."

Hebrew Written Exam

I just wanted to put this in here because anyone who reads hebrew would appreciate what I wrote for the written portion of my hebrew midterm.

Topic I chose- What do you like to do at night

In Israel I go out a lot. I meet special people every day. With friends of mine I eat pizza and watch chinese people speak hebrew. Then we say "let's get crazy!" a lot to the people. But I need sleep, and go to my bed. But not when I'm in desert, then I sleep in tent.

Georgina

Georgina is Liz's cousin and was coming for a visit to our apartment. Georgina is a jap.

Clara preparing a savory yet nutritious meal
Georgina "Woww. It smells really good in here!"
Clara "Really? I haven't started cooking yet."

Georgina "So, do you like, have to cook all your meals?"
Me "We have a servant... His name is Juan. He comes tuesdays and thursdays."
Georgina "Really?"
Me "What? No."

Food Poisoning

Last winter I spent three of the worst days of my life with some kind of stomach infection that left me unable to eat anything.
So after three days I decide to eat, and thus begins the worst bout of food poisoning I have ever experienced.


A few hours after consuming my nostradamus pizza, I go to the hostel to do laundry and realize my three day au naturel battle is over, I need MEDICINE.
I walk to the bus stop and wait for twenty minutes.
....to watch the bus pass by.
I have no choice but to walk the thirty minute trek to the mall. It is very cold and every down step I take gives a nasty lurch in my stomach. Finally I get there and hunt down the pharmacy.

Is there a deficit of medical supply in Israel? Literally twenty people were in that line.

I waited.
And I waited.
When it is fucking finally my turn I just,

"I HAVE FOOD POISENING. DO YOU HAVE MEDICINE FOR THAT."

She looks at me, and tells me to stand in the other line. I hope I looked like I was about to cry, because that's how it felt.
I could only wince and think to every person in front of me, "I am carrying forty pounds of infected food in my stomach, and it is about to be unleashed on one of you."

Finally, Finally, I get some pepto bismol and an Israeli brand. I take the maximum dosage of both, and then gently collapse onto the bus stop bench.
Thirty-five minutes go by. I am so cold and look homeless on my bench. This feeling is quickly usurped by the knowledge that my bus is NOT coming.

I feel like I ruptured my appendix or am internally exploding, the pain is so exquisitely intense. I get on the next bus I see.

Twenty-five minutes pass.

"Uh oh."
Yes, I actually say this out loud because I realize I have to get off the bus. RIGHT NOW.
I run to the darkest most desolate place I see, which is about eight feet from the bus on Emmec Rafaiin and start violently projecting from both ends. After a solid five minutes, I have successfully vomited and shit all over myself in front of a lot of people. It is a fifteen minute walk straight uphill in soggy jeans to my apartment from where I am. This thought leads me into Burger Bar where I shuffle into the bathroom. I spend the next thirty-five minutes cleaning myself up, and change into clean clothes from the laundry that has just saved my life. I peak out and look to the three guys working there; it is otherwise empty. I look down at the jeans I am consciously holding.

Me "Ok, you guys can't look when I come out of the bathroom. Which is now."
One of them gets in a little kerfuffle.
$ "What, we work, we have to look."
Me "No. You don't understand. There was an accident and I had to change my clothes."
$ "So come then."

I walk cautiously and am about be the focal point of their views (was walking behind counter)
Me [to one in front of me] "You have to close your eyes!"
$ "What, you don't believe me?" as he points to his eyes, semi-closed.

I run out. When I look through the glass they are ALL staring at me. I feel bad for whoever had to clean that little bathroom.

So I continue my journey home after a brief intermission and realize... I'm walking in the wrong direction. Defeated, I throw away my most expensive, favorite, and only pair of jeans. I get a taxi.
It is midnight when I get home, and Dorona is sitting in the middle of the room, doing art. I need the bathroom.

[From bathroom]
Me "OK DORONA, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE THE APARTMENT FOR...TWO MINUTES."
Dorona "Why?"
Me "Because there's about to be some anal rapage that NOBODY deserves to be apart of."
Dorona [whiny voice] "But I'm in the middle of my art project..."
Me "DORONA, ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU HAVE TO LEAVE."
Dorona "Yeah, but I'm sure you guys have all heard some stuff when it's me in there."
Me "....Uh. [pause] To each his own."
Dorona "Ok, fiiine."
[whiny voice]
"But where am I gonna go?"
Me "WHO. CARES! JUST STAND NEXT TO THE DOOR FOR LIKE..FIVE MINUTES!"

six minutes later, outside

Me "Where's Dorona?"
Person Named Daniel Siegel "She said you kicked her out."

How to solve a problem

So tonights agenda consists of a skateboard art exhibit for Georgia, then we continue on with ghetto-fab party at somewhere, and LimaLima. Georgia and I are running over these plans and of the slight dent this will incur to our account balances. This being said, Georgia feels less inclined to go, but after promising her roommates her attendance at the skateboard exhibit, if she bails, her apartment will hate her for it. The following conversation ensues:

Me "When has the threat of your apartment hating you ever stopped you?
Georgia "Well... but then we'll both be lost looking for Comfort 13..."
Me "Yeah, and that's WORSE than me lost by myself...?"
Georgia "-OH! You know what we can do?!"
Me "?"
Georgia "We [her apartment] have this wine that we can drink, Katzman said it's actually cooking wine, like not actual wine to drink, so we have that! And then.... we can go and be like, "Afo... comfort 13?" to the bus driver and he'll be like, "Of course I take you!"
Me "-GEORGIA. Not only did you propose an idea that won't make your roommates hate you any less, you possibly made it even HARDER for us to find Comfort fucking 13 by getting DRUNK."
Georgia "Yeah, ok, but everything works better when you're drunk."
Me "That's true. ok."

the creators

this is an introduction of sorts. i found that funny things were happening.. and i would like to remember them. so i carried the harry potter journal around and made my portable memories. i hope these stories put a smile on that little face, and are not just "you had to be there" things.
And if you cant take a joke, are easily offended, or just generally suck then this is not the place for you.


GEORGIA
-----------------
[arts track waiting early in the mo'n at the square in holon to go on some trip]
lull in conversation
"Look at that fucking BIRD! IT'S THE KING"


wandering in the desert away from concert for arts track

Me "1. if we get lost we can just... follow THE MUSIC! and B. we can't get lost because we have my keen sense of direction to lean on."
Georgia "1 and B...?"

Me "Great, we're too far away... but not close enough........"

Me "Uh oh. How much time to we have??"
without a moments hesitation, peter pan prance in front of me and opens purse revealing huge bottle I dont know
Georgia "How much ALCOHOL do we have?!"

35 minutes later, lost

Georgia "Is that a wedding?"
Me "The music we've been following.....has led us to a wedding."
pause.
"Well, let's go!"

"Oh, and I looked up what "slut" is in Urban Dictionary, and I don't think I apply."


muffled into arielle's lap getting back scratched and Chana hits her on the back
Georgia "I don't know what that was, but I'll fucking shoot you in the stomach while you sleep, bitch"
Chana "well you don't even have a gun, and Dan [the guy she went on a date with] does (smirk)."
Georgia louder muffles "I'll hit you in the face with Dan's cock!"

sitting at 1 in the afternoon in Moses
Georgia "Let's get a cocktail..."
Me "You like cocktails?
Georgia "I dunno.
...........just wanna start drinkin'..."
Me [in hysterics]
Georgia "Is that so bad?!"

In a tipi we slept in at some remote hippi location

Georgia "Oh, and I found something really cute, I was folding the blanket, and I saw an earwig scurry across your pillow."

Georgia "But I like Eran because I think he reminds me of Preston because he calls me stupid and ugly, -like when we were talking about the Oscars he said "Yeah, I bet you won ugliest."

Georgia "Let's make apple pie."
Georgia "Let's make APPLE pie!"
Georgia "Let's make apple PIE"
Me "Oh my god ok."