.......of the online realm.
A young man called Dreamz_Eternal:
hey
I'm a young lusty guy looking for an intimate relationship which includes long wet kisses, candle lit bedrooms, soft music in the background and lots of foreplay.
i shall treat you like a queen with all the gentleness and tenderness, would love to have erotic conversations and sensual foreplay, lot of cuddling and fondling
you look just like my abstract beautiful luscious lady whom i always fantasize in my dreams!!! i have developed an uncontrollable desire to touch you, feel you and love you!!
hope to hear from you, meet you and give you all the fun and pleasure anytime you need.. i am sure you will find me attractive, sexy and lovable..
My response:
I can think of nothing less seductive for me than soft music and candle lit bedrooms.
Dreamz:
hey i want to kiss you
My response:
"long wet kisses"
Dreamz:
You are my only sweetness, my honey!
My response:
i am not. i am cruel, and a waste of your time
Dreamz:
honey, the more cruel you become, the more i will love you, you have such soft hands, really feel like licking them and drinking all the juices from your gorgeous body
My response:
you would drink my blood?
Dreamz:
oh i would love to... even blood from a sweet girl like you would taste like honey, my sweetness...
its raining outside and theres something sexy about the rain, wish i was with you..
you take good care of yourself... missing u much..
xoxoxo
My response:
how can you miss me when ive been a complete bitch to you?
Dreamz:
haha... i like wild bitches...
and you are a sweet wild bitch, blondie...
i was trying to write a poem for you...just completed it sometime back, i am typing it here.. plz read it and let me know how did you like the poem...
*****************************************
Her lips are so soft, like a baby
Her smell intoxicates me, she is my lady
her bubbly nature, she makes me crazy
she is gorgeous, oh! , the effect of her smile
i have only known her now, its not even been a while
she dresses like a queen, effervescent is her style
in the dark nights, under the blue sky
i wish i had wings, i wish i could fly
nothing matches her beauty, what should i buy
its mesmerizing, even a glance in her eye
*************************************************
plz tellme how did you find this poem....
My response:
that was hilarious. you should do a duet with ricky martin.
just remember... she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee.
Unfortunately, he truly did put his heart and soul into that little lovesong, and his feelings were never the same after I had hurt him so.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Never hang out with father and his friends
It's friday evening and the night starts innocently enough at a nice restaurant in downtown Chicago. My dad is reuniting with a few guys from medical school and I come along for the food. A basket of bread is passed around and the man next to me, Sig, is frazzled by what is inside one of the loaves.
Me "It's raisins."
Sig "They look like BLACK OLIVES?"
Me "No, raisins."
Sig "Guys look- you think these are jalapenos?"
Me "RAISINS."
Sig "WILLY, JOE, take a look at this ya think they put something funny in here- GET THE WAITER-
One of the staff of Mexicans is nearby
Sig "Senor! What's in here?"
Waiter "Raisins, sir"
My father, I think it should be mentioned, is the only sober one amongst our table of six men. And I don't mean just by alcoholic measures. The men were high and drunk beyond comprehension.
[sitting on my other side]
Robert "Oy, milady, ye ar verry kind pass that bottl o scotch- AhhaaaHGAAAA"
Me "What's wrong with you guys? And that's wine. Are you guys high?"
Robert "Heeh heh, yeahh."
Me "Wait- WHAT?? Are you serious!??"
Robert "Hhyeah"
Me "How did you get here with weed? You guys are from all over the country, I know you didnt bring it to the airport"
Robert "John lives in Michigan he just drove it up heeeere!-" bursting into giggles
"We've just been smokin the reefers in the room, he has this machine and it-"
Me "You guys HAVE A VAPORIZER IN THE HOTEL ROOM?"
Robert [maniacal laughter]
We eat and Sig is telling me about some backpacking trip where he stumbled across this wonderful female tarantula who was on a set path towards something.
Sig "She was on a mission, that girl. She was taking me somewhere and I was following, so then we get to this trail and I'm tellin you the floor was just covered in these white flowers.....It was the most beautiful place... I turn around, and she'd left."
Me "Wait, are we still talking about the spider?"
He looks at me, stupified by my incoherency
Sig "Yeah! I tried to ask for her number BUT SHE JUSWOULDNT give it to me!!"
As the main course dwindles, people are relinquishing their meals without getting a to-go box. As a lazy college student I cannot let this happen.
Me "Hey! No! I want everything here wrapped up." waving my arms wildly
Sig "Ohh ok what do you want? You know we can get something else and have that for you too
"Sir! Hey, I'd like another order of-what do you want?
Me "Just some more vegetables I guess."
Sig "If we could get some mushrooms, aspargus, spinach, onions-"
Dad "Whoa whoa Sig. Sir we don't need-"
Sig "YES." never wavering from his order to the waitor
"We'll need an order of that and wrapped up with the rest-"
Dad "Sig c'mon there's plennnty of food. We have enough-"
Sig "SHE WANTS THE SPINACH"
Me "Oh my god"
the next thing I know Sig is dangerously eyeing Willy from across the table
Sig "No, you motherfucker!! Don't go messing with the facts, I WAS THERE"
We have successfully attracted the attention of many heads around the room. Dessert comes and its two foot high cakes, carrot and ice cream.
Sig "Ooh Senor! Vominos, si- I would like some cake."
Waiter "Yes sir"
Sig "I speak a little spanish, ey? Frio!-mucho impor-tant senor-ey"
Waiter "Ha ha." laughing lightly.
Ten years later we finish eating and go outside. I'm looking to rally a taxi for the troops when I hear, "Ohh, what nice hair" and find two of the men and Willy touching the top of some girls afro with her frightened friend.
Robert "Hey, you gotta ASK first" they laugh
I turn to my right and find my father with his arms outstretched, "Group hug" to a pair of girls in an embrace
Me "Dad- stop it!"
One of the men, Waldman, approaches me and says defiantly, "So I hear our night is being cut short because we have to take YOU home."
Me "What- pff. Don't let me stop you. A bunch of 50 year olds in their prime."
Waldman "Hey, I'm 48."
Me "Great."
Waldman "Anyways, what's the rush? I've never seen a college kid so eager to go home on a friday night!"
Me "Just because I'm going home, doesn't mean I'm STAYING home."
Waldman "HAA!! Well said."
"This ones a firecracker", walking off, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at me.
The group starts walking and I am horrified to find our night is not over. The men, in fact, ARE going out. Our surroundings are prevalent of the just-hit-legal demographic, and I wonder what they think upon seeing one of their own amongst a group of balding hooligans. I don't know who I feel worse for, my company or myself.
They are drunk... So myself.
Me "It's raisins."
Sig "They look like BLACK OLIVES?"
Me "No, raisins."
Sig "Guys look- you think these are jalapenos?"
Me "RAISINS."
Sig "WILLY, JOE, take a look at this ya think they put something funny in here- GET THE WAITER-
One of the staff of Mexicans is nearby
Sig "Senor! What's in here?"
Waiter "Raisins, sir"
My father, I think it should be mentioned, is the only sober one amongst our table of six men. And I don't mean just by alcoholic measures. The men were high and drunk beyond comprehension.
[sitting on my other side]
Robert "Oy, milady, ye ar verry kind pass that bottl o scotch- AhhaaaHGAAAA"
Me "What's wrong with you guys? And that's wine. Are you guys high?"
Robert "Heeh heh, yeahh."
Me "Wait- WHAT?? Are you serious!??"
Robert "Hhyeah"
Me "How did you get here with weed? You guys are from all over the country, I know you didnt bring it to the airport"
Robert "John lives in Michigan he just drove it up heeeere!-" bursting into giggles
"We've just been smokin the reefers in the room, he has this machine and it-"
Me "You guys HAVE A VAPORIZER IN THE HOTEL ROOM?"
Robert [maniacal laughter]
We eat and Sig is telling me about some backpacking trip where he stumbled across this wonderful female tarantula who was on a set path towards something.
Sig "She was on a mission, that girl. She was taking me somewhere and I was following, so then we get to this trail and I'm tellin you the floor was just covered in these white flowers.....It was the most beautiful place... I turn around, and she'd left."
Me "Wait, are we still talking about the spider?"
He looks at me, stupified by my incoherency
Sig "Yeah! I tried to ask for her number BUT SHE JUSWOULDNT give it to me!!"
As the main course dwindles, people are relinquishing their meals without getting a to-go box. As a lazy college student I cannot let this happen.
Me "Hey! No! I want everything here wrapped up." waving my arms wildly
Sig "Ohh ok what do you want? You know we can get something else and have that for you too
"Sir! Hey, I'd like another order of-what do you want?
Me "Just some more vegetables I guess."
Sig "If we could get some mushrooms, aspargus, spinach, onions-"
Dad "Whoa whoa Sig. Sir we don't need-"
Sig "YES." never wavering from his order to the waitor
"We'll need an order of that and wrapped up with the rest-"
Dad "Sig c'mon there's plennnty of food. We have enough-"
Sig "SHE WANTS THE SPINACH"
Me "Oh my god"
the next thing I know Sig is dangerously eyeing Willy from across the table
Sig "No, you motherfucker!! Don't go messing with the facts, I WAS THERE"
We have successfully attracted the attention of many heads around the room. Dessert comes and its two foot high cakes, carrot and ice cream.
Sig "Ooh Senor! Vominos, si- I would like some cake."
Waiter "Yes sir"
Sig "I speak a little spanish, ey? Frio!-mucho impor-tant senor-ey"
Waiter "Ha ha." laughing lightly.
Ten years later we finish eating and go outside. I'm looking to rally a taxi for the troops when I hear, "Ohh, what nice hair" and find two of the men and Willy touching the top of some girls afro with her frightened friend.
Robert "Hey, you gotta ASK first" they laugh
I turn to my right and find my father with his arms outstretched, "Group hug" to a pair of girls in an embrace
Me "Dad- stop it!"
One of the men, Waldman, approaches me and says defiantly, "So I hear our night is being cut short because we have to take YOU home."
Me "What- pff. Don't let me stop you. A bunch of 50 year olds in their prime."
Waldman "Hey, I'm 48."
Me "Great."
Waldman "Anyways, what's the rush? I've never seen a college kid so eager to go home on a friday night!"
Me "Just because I'm going home, doesn't mean I'm STAYING home."
Waldman "HAA!! Well said."
"This ones a firecracker", walking off, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at me.
The group starts walking and I am horrified to find our night is not over. The men, in fact, ARE going out. Our surroundings are prevalent of the just-hit-legal demographic, and I wonder what they think upon seeing one of their own amongst a group of balding hooligans. I don't know who I feel worse for, my company or myself.
They are drunk... So myself.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Mom Got a Bong
Just arrive in Texas for winter break, mom picks me up from airport.
[In the car driving home]
Mom "Oh, so I don’t know if you knew, but I have an elephant collection…
Me "No. I didn’t know you were in the circus, or about the elephant riding or anything. Of course I know about your elephant OBSESSION.
Mom "Well when I was in Jamaica there were all these little elephant figurines and the lady said this one changed colors when you lit it-
[In the car driving home]
Mom "Oh, so I don’t know if you knew, but I have an elephant collection…
Me "No. I didn’t know you were in the circus, or about the elephant riding or anything. Of course I know about your elephant OBSESSION.
Mom "Well when I was in Jamaica there were all these little elephant figurines and the lady said this one changed colors when you lit it-
She surreptitiously pulls from the side of the car door…
Me "Mom, that’s a BONG"
Mom "I know, your old mom caught with drug paraphernalia, how bout that?"
Me "That’s not like a candle! How could you not know what that was???"
Mom "Well I did know, but I just liked it so much."
Me "Are you.. going to use it?"
Mom "What? Of course not."
Me "Can I?"
Mom "No! I want to put it in my collection!"
Me "Well. If you find it conveniently missing one day, im not denying that I took it."
Mom "I know, your old mom caught with drug paraphernalia, how bout that?"
Me "That’s not like a candle! How could you not know what that was???"
Mom "Well I did know, but I just liked it so much."
Me "Are you.. going to use it?"
Mom "What? Of course not."
Me "Can I?"
Mom "No! I want to put it in my collection!"
Me "Well. If you find it conveniently missing one day, im not denying that I took it."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Excerpt from Maya
"Day one:
It is SO tellnig beyond anything. Weinman! I dunno. What kind of person- she didn’t get to know me… she was NOT friendly.
She just looked me up and down.
Another thing- Rachel was the interesting one. that’s the GENIUS of Rachel, she put on an insecure front, she opened up to me and unelashed the evil genius to me, everything she said to me was Cold Calculated, PRECISE. She’s a piranha!!@ a social piranha!"
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