Never hang out with father and his friends

It's friday evening and the night starts innocently enough at a nice restaurant in downtown Chicago. My dad is reuniting with a few guys from medical school and I come along for the food. A basket of bread is passed around and the man next to me, Sig, is frazzled by what is inside one of the loaves.

Me "It's raisins."
Sig "They look like BLACK OLIVES?"
Me "No, raisins."
Sig "Guys look- you think these are jalapenos?"
Me "RAISINS."
Sig "WILLY, JOE, take a look at this ya think they put something funny in here- GET THE WAITER-

One of the staff of Mexicans is nearby

Sig "Senor! What's in here?"
Waiter "Raisins, sir"

My father, I think it should be mentioned, is the only sober one amongst our table of six men. And I don't mean just by alcoholic measures. The men were high and drunk beyond comprehension.


[sitting on my other side]
Robert "Oy, milady, ye ar verry kind pass that bottl o scotch- AhhaaaHGAAAA"
Me "What's wrong with you guys? And that's wine. Are you guys high?"
Robert "Heeh heh, yeahh."
Me "Wait- WHAT?? Are you serious!??"
Robert "Hhyeah"
Me "How did you get here with weed? You guys are from all over the country, I know you didnt bring it to the airport"
Robert "John lives in Michigan he just drove it up heeeere!-" bursting into giggles
"We've just been smokin the reefers in the room, he has this machine and it-"
Me "You guys HAVE A VAPORIZER IN THE HOTEL ROOM?"
Robert [maniacal laughter]


We eat and Sig is telling me about some backpacking trip where he stumbled across this wonderful female tarantula who was on a set path towards something.
Sig "She was on a mission, that girl. She was taking me somewhere and I was following, so then we get to this trail and I'm tellin you the floor was just covered in these white flowers.....It was the most beautiful place... I turn around, and she'd left."
Me "Wait, are we still talking about the spider?"
He looks at me, stupified by my incoherency
Sig "Yeah! I tried to ask for her number BUT SHE JUSWOULDNT give it to me!!"

As the main course dwindles, people are relinquishing their meals without getting a to-go box. As a lazy college student I cannot let this happen.

Me "Hey! No! I want everything here wrapped up." waving my arms wildly
Sig "Ohh ok what do you want? You know we can get something else and have that for you too
"Sir! Hey, I'd like another order of-what do you want?
Me "Just some more vegetables I guess."
Sig "If we could get some mushrooms, aspargus, spinach, onions-"
Dad "Whoa whoa Sig. Sir we don't need-"
Sig "YES." never wavering from his order to the waitor
"We'll need an order of that and wrapped up with the rest-"
Dad "Sig c'mon there's plennnty of food. We have enough-"
Sig "SHE WANTS THE SPINACH"
Me "Oh my god"

the next thing I know Sig is dangerously eyeing Willy from across the table

Sig "No, you motherfucker!! Don't go messing with the facts, I WAS THERE"

We have successfully attracted the attention of many heads around the room. Dessert comes and its two foot high cakes, carrot and ice cream.

Sig "Ooh Senor! Vominos, si- I would like some cake."
Waiter "Yes sir"
Sig "I speak a little spanish, ey? Frio!-mucho impor-tant senor-ey"
Waiter "Ha ha." laughing lightly.


Ten years later we finish eating and go outside. I'm looking to rally a taxi for the troops when I hear, "Ohh, what nice hair" and find two of the men and Willy touching the top of some girls afro with her frightened friend.
Robert "Hey, you gotta ASK first" they laugh

I turn to my right and find my father with his arms outstretched, "Group hug" to a pair of girls in an embrace

Me "Dad- stop it!"


One of the men, Waldman, approaches me and says defiantly, "So I hear our night is being cut short because we have to take YOU home."
Me "What- pff. Don't let me stop you. A bunch of 50 year olds in their prime."
Waldman "Hey, I'm 48."
Me "Great."

Waldman "Anyways, what's the rush? I've never seen a college kid so eager to go home on a friday night!"
Me "Just because I'm going home, doesn't mean I'm STAYING home."
Waldman "HAA!! Well said."
"This ones a firecracker", walking off, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at me.

The group starts walking and I am horrified to find our night is not over. The men, in fact, ARE going out. Our surroundings are prevalent of the just-hit-legal demographic, and I wonder what they think upon seeing one of their own amongst a group of balding hooligans. I don't know who I feel worse for, my company or myself.
They are drunk... So myself.