leave a good critique comment
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Nature Party
I pretty much bombard myself onto the trip once I find out friends from another apartment are going to a nature party.
["Nature party" is synonym for a trance/electro party sprinkled with a healthy dosage of drugs and... nice people. It is set in a naturistic area undisturbed by any bordering cities or public infringements. Example: desert, woods, etc. Nature parties are parallel to raves, for the simple reason that they last throughout the entire day. Starting from anywhere in the morning/noon to.. sunset. ad beyond. The locations are only revealed the day of.]
Me "What're you doing tomorrow?"
Danielle "we're going to a nature party."
Me "WHAT! IWANNACOMECANICOME"
Danielle "Uh, sure."
Me "Yesssss."
Danielle "I don't think there's enough seats in the car though."
Me "It's OK I CAN SIT IN THE TRUNK!"
Danielle "well, ok. I'll call and ask."
That night we go out to a Glam-ou-rama party and I get back at 5:30. I wake up around 10 because a strange boy was in the room (not mine). I think about things. Daniel the Designated Driver is picking us up.. at 10:30. AHH
I take a look in the mirror...
The silver lightening bolt I painted across my face has crusted to my skin and there are bits of glitter clumps stuck in my eyebrows. And I smell like... I went out. With no time to change I scuttle over to the other apartment in what I wore out last night; a fuschia tank top sans bra, purple jeans with the pockets cut out, bright purple heels.
After getting there I meet my, unbeknownst to him, transportation bitch of the day.
Daniel is one of the most inane human beings I have ever met. He's one of those that has nothing real to offer, and is pretty much the equivalent to any basic life form. And I say this with a most gleeful heart, because I felt A o.k. in doing whatever the hell I wanted without regard for him. Amen boring people.
We get to an expansive field of mini sanddunes with what appears to be a strange maze of sandy trails everywhere. There's absolutely no way not to get lost, but we find our destination. There are so many nearly naked guys with the hardened lanky bodies that scream "I GREW UP ON A MOSHAV!" I want to cry. Let it be known, that throughout this entire day, every single person was BEAUTIFUL. It was as if a secret letter went out summoning the prescence of every stunning human in Israel to come right HERE. I can't even tell you where "here" was.
We put our stuff down under the large dance tent and meander off.
After a couple minutes of trekking through larger dunes and down some hills.... WEAREINHAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are literally standing on the edge of a cliff, overlooking some increbible body of water and a decaying ship structure out not too far from the shoreline below us?...
Where the fuck are we?
["Nature party" is synonym for a trance/electro party sprinkled with a healthy dosage of drugs and... nice people. It is set in a naturistic area undisturbed by any bordering cities or public infringements. Example: desert, woods, etc. Nature parties are parallel to raves, for the simple reason that they last throughout the entire day. Starting from anywhere in the morning/noon to.. sunset. ad beyond. The locations are only revealed the day of.]
Me "What're you doing tomorrow?"
Danielle "we're going to a nature party."
Me "WHAT! IWANNACOMECANICOME"
Danielle "Uh, sure."
Me "Yesssss."
Danielle "I don't think there's enough seats in the car though."
Me "It's OK I CAN SIT IN THE TRUNK!"
Danielle "well, ok. I'll call and ask."
That night we go out to a Glam-ou-rama party and I get back at 5:30. I wake up around 10 because a strange boy was in the room (not mine). I think about things. Daniel the Designated Driver is picking us up.. at 10:30. AHH
I take a look in the mirror...
The silver lightening bolt I painted across my face has crusted to my skin and there are bits of glitter clumps stuck in my eyebrows. And I smell like... I went out. With no time to change I scuttle over to the other apartment in what I wore out last night; a fuschia tank top sans bra, purple jeans with the pockets cut out, bright purple heels.
After getting there I meet my, unbeknownst to him, transportation bitch of the day.
Daniel is one of the most inane human beings I have ever met. He's one of those that has nothing real to offer, and is pretty much the equivalent to any basic life form. And I say this with a most gleeful heart, because I felt A o.k. in doing whatever the hell I wanted without regard for him. Amen boring people.
We get to an expansive field of mini sanddunes with what appears to be a strange maze of sandy trails everywhere. There's absolutely no way not to get lost, but we find our destination. There are so many nearly naked guys with the hardened lanky bodies that scream "I GREW UP ON A MOSHAV!" I want to cry. Let it be known, that throughout this entire day, every single person was BEAUTIFUL. It was as if a secret letter went out summoning the prescence of every stunning human in Israel to come right HERE. I can't even tell you where "here" was.
We put our stuff down under the large dance tent and meander off.
After a couple minutes of trekking through larger dunes and down some hills.... WEAREINHAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are literally standing on the edge of a cliff, overlooking some increbible body of water and a decaying ship structure out not too far from the shoreline below us?...
Where the fuck are we?
[all in all the events that follow were... rather strange. some human-powered kites floating around, a couple tribal girls with metal sticks leading a frenzy of people in touching random figures hanging from the tent ceiling...
I recommend going if you have any of these desires:
to have sex
to do drugs
to dance
to have sex on drugs in front of a lot of people
to not care about doing any of the above]
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Birthday Party
[WARNING: As much as I don't actually want to offend anyone, I have a duty to uphold. I weighed my options, took a poll, I even consulted with my conscious.]
I've been thinking a lot about how to describe last night. and I think the best way is to skim over the highlights.
1) Because Nofar lives in a place I've never been, I got lost. What ended up happening was me walking to RAMAT-AVIV. From dizengoff, down arlozerov, to ibn gverol, all the way across some bridge, to some bright tower... at which it was half past midnight ans Nofar called and insisted I get picked up by someone because it was not safe. Pfff. I spent an hour and a half walking just to get picked up. how anti-climatic.
2) Once in the car (Abby and Nofar's male cousin came for me), I go "wooOOO rescue TEAM!"
Nobody smiled.
3) Abby "So what happened to you?"
Me "Well, I was hoping to you know, get here by BUS, but- OH! Can you turn up the music?@! This is Major Tom!! BY PETER SCHILLING!! Oohohh and HERE COMES THE CHORUS!"
cousin starts asking me how I know Nofar
Me "I know what you're thinking. And I was invited."
4) Have you ever seen the Virgin Suicides? The party scene in the basement? That was Nofar's birthday party.
Except no one died.
I walk in and everyone is seated facing each other, no real conversations, drunk or sober, are going on. It was one of those situations where if the music should stop for some reason the room is immediately filled with a tangible anxiety and desperation for something to save them from their own mundane lives.
I immediately dive into the alcohol. Fifteen minutes later..... same scene. I turn to Ariela, "Um, I have a small question. Does anybody here DRINK?"
Seriously, who doesn't drink at birthday parties? And not even that, but if anyone needed some liqeur lovin, it was these guys. Here's the guest list:
Ariela
Ariela's sister
Jenny
Yarden
Abby
Cousin
Ugly guy
And three people who were "Nofar's boyfriends"
And me.
It's too bad Leigh couldn't make it, then we could have the whole gang together!
However, there was one person who knew the right thing to do. The birthday girl herself, shithoused. Probably to escape the reality that these were infact her friends. And also probably because it was her birthday.
I make some small talk with Ariela and her sister, Jenny and Yarden, but I just can't play this game anymore.
So I just continue being myself and go into another room and fall asleep.
I've been thinking a lot about how to describe last night. and I think the best way is to skim over the highlights.
1) Because Nofar lives in a place I've never been, I got lost. What ended up happening was me walking to RAMAT-AVIV. From dizengoff, down arlozerov, to ibn gverol, all the way across some bridge, to some bright tower... at which it was half past midnight ans Nofar called and insisted I get picked up by someone because it was not safe. Pfff. I spent an hour and a half walking just to get picked up. how anti-climatic.
2) Once in the car (Abby and Nofar's male cousin came for me), I go "wooOOO rescue TEAM!"
Nobody smiled.
3) Abby "So what happened to you?"
Me "Well, I was hoping to you know, get here by BUS, but- OH! Can you turn up the music?@! This is Major Tom!! BY PETER SCHILLING!! Oohohh and HERE COMES THE CHORUS!"
cousin starts asking me how I know Nofar
Me "I know what you're thinking. And I was invited."
4) Have you ever seen the Virgin Suicides? The party scene in the basement? That was Nofar's birthday party.
Except no one died.
I walk in and everyone is seated facing each other, no real conversations, drunk or sober, are going on. It was one of those situations where if the music should stop for some reason the room is immediately filled with a tangible anxiety and desperation for something to save them from their own mundane lives.
I immediately dive into the alcohol. Fifteen minutes later..... same scene. I turn to Ariela, "Um, I have a small question. Does anybody here DRINK?"
Seriously, who doesn't drink at birthday parties? And not even that, but if anyone needed some liqeur lovin, it was these guys. Here's the guest list:
Ariela
Ariela's sister
Jenny
Yarden
Abby
Cousin
Ugly guy
And three people who were "Nofar's boyfriends"
And me.
It's too bad Leigh couldn't make it, then we could have the whole gang together!
However, there was one person who knew the right thing to do. The birthday girl herself, shithoused. Probably to escape the reality that these were infact her friends. And also probably because it was her birthday.
I make some small talk with Ariela and her sister, Jenny and Yarden, but I just can't play this game anymore.
So I just continue being myself and go into another room and fall asleep.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Purim with Nadav
In an interesting turn of events, everyone somehow ended up dressing the same. Completely by chance.
In their respective groups:
The hippies; our madricha, shoshannah, and arielle k
The tourists; Jake Arnold and Seth
The Holy Trinity; Georgia as an angel, Maya as a ghost, and me as God)
The pin-up girls; Leigh, abby, and Hannah Skahill
The peter pan crew; Rebekah hoffer and Danielle Nachowitz as Tinkerbell, David as PP
The leopard people; Sarah steinberg, Ariela, Yarden
Stereotype Israelis; Martin the Brit as a Hassidic boy, Zach as a soldier
Miscellaneous; Nofar as pocahantus and GingerJon as a basketball player (with a basketball taped to his hand)
Nadav comes over and I tell him he is a father. He negates this comment.
Nadav "Oh, you don't know me."
Me "I wanna get to know you."
Nadav "Ok let's do shots."
10 shots later, I notice... I am much drunker than Nadav. And my mouth has gone numb. Why isn't he drunk?
Me "Why aren't you drunk?"
Nadav "Because I have responsibilities."
Ohhboy.
We go to the street party. except it isn't a street party.
It is however, a mosh pit, of Jokers and trannies, that encompasses the ENTIRE streets of Florentine and beyond.
We sit down after an hour of the craziness that is Purim in Tel Aviv, and Nadav thinks I am falling asleep. He is wrong, but Georgia is attacked by new hopes and dreams in the form of her thinking I needed an XL. There was a small warning ("Ok, BYE!") and she was off. And not just ambled away, she was full-on SPRINTING.
Nadav looks down at me and says, "You ready?"
I sigh. "Yep."
He takes my hand and we hurtle after her.
After a couple hours, the "responsibilty" part came to a tantamount climax. We are taken home.
I think Nadav has accepted the package deal that is Georgia and myself because we ended up pushing Georgia's bed next to mine and all sleeping in one big bed.
In their respective groups:
The hippies; our madricha, shoshannah, and arielle k
The tourists; Jake Arnold and Seth
The Holy Trinity; Georgia as an angel, Maya as a ghost, and me as God)
The pin-up girls; Leigh, abby, and Hannah Skahill
The peter pan crew; Rebekah hoffer and Danielle Nachowitz as Tinkerbell, David as PP
The leopard people; Sarah steinberg, Ariela, Yarden
Stereotype Israelis; Martin the Brit as a Hassidic boy, Zach as a soldier
Miscellaneous; Nofar as pocahantus and GingerJon as a basketball player (with a basketball taped to his hand)
Nadav comes over and I tell him he is a father. He negates this comment.
Nadav "Oh, you don't know me."
Me "I wanna get to know you."
Nadav "Ok let's do shots."
10 shots later, I notice... I am much drunker than Nadav. And my mouth has gone numb. Why isn't he drunk?
Me "Why aren't you drunk?"
Nadav "Because I have responsibilities."
Ohhboy.
We go to the street party. except it isn't a street party.
It is however, a mosh pit, of Jokers and trannies, that encompasses the ENTIRE streets of Florentine and beyond.
We sit down after an hour of the craziness that is Purim in Tel Aviv, and Nadav thinks I am falling asleep. He is wrong, but Georgia is attacked by new hopes and dreams in the form of her thinking I needed an XL. There was a small warning ("Ok, BYE!") and she was off. And not just ambled away, she was full-on SPRINTING.
Nadav looks down at me and says, "You ready?"
I sigh. "Yep."
He takes my hand and we hurtle after her.
After a couple hours, the "responsibilty" part came to a tantamount climax. We are taken home.
I think Nadav has accepted the package deal that is Georgia and myself because we ended up pushing Georgia's bed next to mine and all sleeping in one big bed.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Arsim Park
Liz, Shoshanna, Me, Arielle, Georgia on a bench in a park. It's night. Six baby arsim descend upon from the four corners.
Arse "So you come here?"
Me "I live here."
[pointing down to bench]
"RIGHT here."
Arse "You want to come round with me?"
Georgia "Are you serious."
Arse [asks his friends]
Friends "He wants to know if you want to see Holon with him."
Georgia "And Iwant to know if he's serious."
[Everyone in unison] "Yeah, yeah"
Georgia "No."
Shoshanna "Yeah, we're all virgins. Except for THAT one." [points at the end of the bench to, of course, the only virgin present]
"They're together." [now to Georgia and me]
Arse "You guys, you both lesbians?"
Us "Mhmm."
Arse "You kiss?"
Us "Yeah."
Intervening other "You FUCK?"
.....
Georgia (serenely) "Yeah"
Arse "I can come?"
Another Arse "He's really BIG"
Georgia "Yeah you can come."
Arse "I don't believe you lesbian. Prove you are, kiss."
Us "No."
Arse "I don't believe."
Me "Give me 50 shekels."
Arse "So you come here?"
Me "I live here."
[pointing down to bench]
"RIGHT here."
Arse "You want to come round with me?"
Georgia "Are you serious."
Arse [asks his friends]
Friends "He wants to know if you want to see Holon with him."
Georgia "And Iwant to know if he's serious."
[Everyone in unison] "Yeah, yeah"
Georgia "No."
Shoshanna "Yeah, we're all virgins. Except for THAT one." [points at the end of the bench to, of course, the only virgin present]
"They're together." [now to Georgia and me]
Arse "You guys, you both lesbians?"
Us "Mhmm."
Arse "You kiss?"
Us "Yeah."
Intervening other "You FUCK?"
.....
Georgia (serenely) "Yeah"
Arse "I can come?"
Another Arse "He's really BIG"
Georgia "Yeah you can come."
Arse "I don't believe you lesbian. Prove you are, kiss."
Us "No."
Arse "I don't believe."
Me "Give me 50 shekels."
Various Exchanges
[a conversation between two people who hate eachother]
Yael Gabi "I only need one friend."
Maya "Really? I like to have two...you know...?-in case one's busy."
Georgia "I dunno, whenever I make friends with girls... they always try and pass me off as a gift to their brother."
Georgia "Jared will you stop being a BITCH for TWO SECONDS.
Jared "And What, Make You French Fries? YEAH FUCKING Right"
Random Josh Canada Moment "I know it's weird asking, but is Derona here?"
Maya "Because he knows I love him!"
Me "How?"
Maya "Because I stare and laugh at him."
[page in magazine with guy in small gold lame underwear ]
Maya "Wow I really like him Weinman."
Me "Why?"
Maya "I don't know... I like his little peen."
[on how old most of the people on YC look]
Unknown "I wouldn't be surprised if Moshe Tightz turned out to be 27 and an imposter."
[Georgia spying from apartment window]
Date from Facebook "I can see you looking at me. Why won't you come down"
Georgia "Uh...I'm overweight.
DfF "I've seen you on webcam. You're not overweight."
Georgia "Well, what I'm doing is pretty fucked up anyways. Why do you still want to see me?"
DfF "Fine, I'm leaving. Fuck you."
Georgia "Okay."
Yael Gabi "I only need one friend."
Maya "Really? I like to have two...you know...?-in case one's busy."
Georgia "I dunno, whenever I make friends with girls... they always try and pass me off as a gift to their brother."
Georgia "Jared will you stop being a BITCH for TWO SECONDS.
Jared "And What, Make You French Fries? YEAH FUCKING Right"
Random Josh Canada Moment "I know it's weird asking, but is Derona here?"
Maya "Because he knows I love him!"
Me "How?"
Maya "Because I stare and laugh at him."
[page in magazine with guy in small gold lame underwear ]
Maya "Wow I really like him Weinman."
Me "Why?"
Maya "I don't know... I like his little peen."
[on how old most of the people on YC look]
Unknown "I wouldn't be surprised if Moshe Tightz turned out to be 27 and an imposter."
[Georgia spying from apartment window]
Date from Facebook "I can see you looking at me. Why won't you come down"
Georgia "Uh...I'm overweight.
DfF "I've seen you on webcam. You're not overweight."
Georgia "Well, what I'm doing is pretty fucked up anyways. Why do you still want to see me?"
DfF "Fine, I'm leaving. Fuck you."
Georgia "Okay."
Friday, January 30, 2009
Just a fun miscelleaneous
Sitting on a bench on Emmek. Guy on motorcycle pulls up.
Guy "hefedmhbfd afo Jaffa juyufgh....?"
Me "Um, I can't hear you. And I don't speak hebrew."
He is wearing a helmet that encompasses his entire head and neck. Apart from the strip of translucency that shows his eyes, he is literally wearing a space helmet.
Guy "Do you know where Jaffa is?"
Me "That way [big vague point to the right, because I'm pretty much the best direction giver ever]
8 minutes later
Pulls up again
Guy "Are you waiting for someone?"
Me "Nope."
Guy "Do you have any free time?"
Me "Uh."
Guy "Will you come to Jaffa with me?"
Me "I can't even see your face."
Guy "...Yeah"
Me "Take off your helmet."
Guy "Ehh...no."
Me "How can I go if I don't even know what you look like?"
Guy "It makes things more interesting."
I can tell he's smiling when he says this.
Me "Yeah, but... If I had a helmet on my head you wouldn't have even stopped to talk to me."
Guy "....This is true. How 'bout I make a deal. When you come to Jaffa with me..."
Me "So after we GET there, then you'll take your helmet off?"
Guy "No."
Me [dramatic sigh] "Then I guess I'm just gonna have to assume you're creepy."
Guy "Ok."
Guy "hefedmhbfd afo Jaffa juyufgh....?"
Me "Um, I can't hear you. And I don't speak hebrew."
He is wearing a helmet that encompasses his entire head and neck. Apart from the strip of translucency that shows his eyes, he is literally wearing a space helmet.
Guy "Do you know where Jaffa is?"
Me "That way [big vague point to the right, because I'm pretty much the best direction giver ever]
8 minutes later
Pulls up again
Guy "Are you waiting for someone?"
Me "Nope."
Guy "Do you have any free time?"
Me "Uh."
Guy "Will you come to Jaffa with me?"
Me "I can't even see your face."
Guy "...Yeah"
Me "Take off your helmet."
Guy "Ehh...no."
Me "How can I go if I don't even know what you look like?"
Guy "It makes things more interesting."
I can tell he's smiling when he says this.
Me "Yeah, but... If I had a helmet on my head you wouldn't have even stopped to talk to me."
Guy "....This is true. How 'bout I make a deal. When you come to Jaffa with me..."
Me "So after we GET there, then you'll take your helmet off?"
Guy "No."
Me [dramatic sigh] "Then I guess I'm just gonna have to assume you're creepy."
Guy "Ok."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Glam-ou-rama
I am leaning on a column outside the club, after many minutes of dancing to various Mamma Mia and Britney Spears songs. I am currently calling Georgia, and at the exact moment I hang up, I equally surprised and alarmed by a sudden presence. A blond guy is very close to my face.
Imagine your typical surfer, with the aesthetic of a french male.
He speaks hebrew in a quiet voice:
FrenchBlondSurfer "[......hebrew...................?]"
Me "Uh,"
FBS [repeats]
Me "Anee. lo. medeberit. anglit."
thats actually how slow I said it.
FBS "You don't speak hebrew?"
He is literally 6 inches from my face.
Me "No."
FBS "What do you speak?"
Me "English..."
FBS "Where are you from?"
Me "....America."
FBS "[pause] Why you here....?" soft stoner voice at its best.
Me "Cuz I just came from there-"
FBS " .......Why you not in there?"
Me "Because I'm here."
FBS "....Why?"
Me "Because I hurt my foot and I'm bleeding everywhere."
FBS "I...(puts hand over heart) can take you."
Me "Uh, you can?"
FBS "Yes."
Me "Wait, are you gonna do something bad?"
FBS "Yes."
Huh, not the answer I was expecting.
Me "[jump back] What?!"
FBS [he laughs] "Come I take you."
pause
Me "Are you ok? You seem..... high or drunk."
FBS "Ehh.. [waves hand]" again with the ever-present smile
what ended up happening was me galloping away into the darkness (the wrong direction and alone)... only to get another ride offer by a complete, much older, and UNattractive stranger... "Mickey". Which I took. Only to be the prelude to a series of hitched rides and new mode of transportation.
Imagine your typical surfer, with the aesthetic of a french male.
He speaks hebrew in a quiet voice:
FrenchBlondSurfer "[......hebrew...................?]"
Me "Uh,"
FBS [repeats]
Me "Anee. lo. medeberit. anglit."
thats actually how slow I said it.
FBS "You don't speak hebrew?"
He is literally 6 inches from my face.
Me "No."
FBS "What do you speak?"
Me "English..."
FBS "Where are you from?"
Me "....America."
FBS "[pause] Why you here....?" soft stoner voice at its best.
Me "Cuz I just came from there-"
FBS " .......Why you not in there?"
Me "Because I'm here."
FBS "....Why?"
Me "Because I hurt my foot and I'm bleeding everywhere."
FBS "I...(puts hand over heart) can take you."
Me "Uh, you can?"
FBS "Yes."
Me "Wait, are you gonna do something bad?"
FBS "Yes."
Huh, not the answer I was expecting.
Me "[jump back] What?!"
FBS [he laughs] "Come I take you."
pause
Me "Are you ok? You seem..... high or drunk."
FBS "Ehh.. [waves hand]" again with the ever-present smile
what ended up happening was me galloping away into the darkness (the wrong direction and alone)... only to get another ride offer by a complete, much older, and UNattractive stranger... "Mickey". Which I took. Only to be the prelude to a series of hitched rides and new mode of transportation.
Intro: Jared
Jared "I love crows."
Me "Why?"
Jared "Because of how they sound."
Me "How do they sound like?"
Jared "In pain and depressed."
[singing Part of Your World]
Me "You like the song Part of Your World? Why??"
Jared "It's EMPOWERING."
Jared "Corey is the simplest person I've ever met. He's like a rock. A grain of sand."
looking at a huge mural depicting Jerusalem
[wistful tone] "Look at all the children. Enjoying their LACHMANEEOT."
Jared "Isn't that a good quote?"
Me "What, I wasn't listening."
Jared "To find someone you love, you have to be someone you love."
Me [!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Jared "Isn't that good?!"
Jared [voice high in pitch] "What!!"
[watching youtube videos of pandas]
Me [in disgust] "Are you CRYING?"
Jared [voice completely cracked] Yeeeah..."
Me [horrified]
Jared "That's the fucking c-cutest I've [even higher] ever seeen..."
Me [holding nipples imitating Buffalo Bill] "I'D FUCK ME!!!"
Jared (beyond perfect imitation, completely transforming to our favorite transexual) "It puts the lotion on its skin whenever its told."
"PUT THE LOTION IN THE BAY-ESKET!"
Jared on Eli's tatto:
"You know when you love someone so much?
....I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."
Jared "Do you have any Wacky Mac left? You DOO?!!"
7 minutes later
Jared "Let's make food. You wanna make food?"
Me "How about wacky mac.
Jared "No.
......
Let's make pasta."
Me "Who has noodles?"
Jared "We do."
Me "Who has cheese?"
Jared "You."
Me "It's pizza cheese."
Jared "So? It still melts."
Georgia "...Isn't that Wacky Mac?"
Jared "It's already EIGHT O'CLOCK."
[me and georgia look at eachother]
Me "Do you have somewhere to be?"
Jared "No."
Me "Why?"
Jared "Because of how they sound."
Me "How do they sound like?"
Jared "In pain and depressed."
[singing Part of Your World]
Me "You like the song Part of Your World? Why??"
Jared "It's EMPOWERING."
Jared "Corey is the simplest person I've ever met. He's like a rock. A grain of sand."
looking at a huge mural depicting Jerusalem
[wistful tone] "Look at all the children. Enjoying their LACHMANEEOT."
Jared "Isn't that a good quote?"
Me "What, I wasn't listening."
Jared "To find someone you love, you have to be someone you love."
Me [!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Jared "Isn't that good?!"
Jared [voice high in pitch] "What!!"
[watching youtube videos of pandas]
Me [in disgust] "Are you CRYING?"
Jared [voice completely cracked] Yeeeah..."
Me [horrified]
Jared "That's the fucking c-cutest I've [even higher] ever seeen..."
Me [holding nipples imitating Buffalo Bill] "I'D FUCK ME!!!"
Jared (beyond perfect imitation, completely transforming to our favorite transexual) "It puts the lotion on its skin whenever its told."
"PUT THE LOTION IN THE BAY-ESKET!"
Jared on Eli's tatto:
"You know when you love someone so much?
....I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."
Jared "Do you have any Wacky Mac left? You DOO?!!"
7 minutes later
Jared "Let's make food. You wanna make food?"
Me "How about wacky mac.
Jared "No.
......
Let's make pasta."
Me "Who has noodles?"
Jared "We do."
Me "Who has cheese?"
Jared "You."
Me "It's pizza cheese."
Jared "So? It still melts."
Georgia "...Isn't that Wacky Mac?"
Jared "It's already EIGHT O'CLOCK."
[me and georgia look at eachother]
Me "Do you have somewhere to be?"
Jared "No."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Heimlich Maneuver
So it's just me and Deronda (Dorona), always and 4eva, sitting next to eachother on our laptops. I reach for my last Werthers Butter Candy...
Dorona "Oh my."
Me "It's my last one."
Dorona "Oh."
I know saying no will haunt me forever, in that she will never let me forget it if she ever offered (begrudgingly) me anything.
Me "But you can have it."
Dorona "Really!"
Me "Oh yes."
Right as she pops it in her mouth Corinne comes in... and she starts CHOKING.
Corinne in open doorway "doronasdying!"
Me [staring incredulous]
Corinne with big smile "DORONASDYING!"
She is literally turning red and dying before my eyes.
Me "Dorona if you die... I'm not gonna save you."
Have you ever seen when someone gets something trapped in their windpipe and they start laughing and sound like a smoker and a man at the same time? That's what was happening.
Dorona "Guys..[cough cough] I'm not gonna die."
Me "I don't believe you..."
Dorona "It's ok. [regaining control] I can just go like this [wraps arms around torso and I guess gives a little push]."
Me "Oh, so if I just give myself a hug I'll successfully perform the Heimlich Maneuver? Cool."
Dorona "No, you go like this"-and as she pushes against her body she FARTS.
It's hard to remember feeling so unsure of what to do.
Me "Dorona...!"
Dorona {laughing incessantly]
Me "I can't believe that just happened."
Dorona "It wasn't that bad. It was a baby...!"
Me "OH, there were some echoes."
Dorona [still laughing]
Me "That was not very lady-like."
Dorona [voice still recovering at about 5 octaves too low] "I never said I was a lady..."
Hebrew Written Exam
I just wanted to put this in here because anyone who reads hebrew would appreciate what I wrote for the written portion of my hebrew midterm.
Topic I chose- What do you like to do at night
In Israel I go out a lot. I meet special people every day. With friends of mine I eat pizza and watch chinese people speak hebrew. Then we say "let's get crazy!" a lot to the people. But I need sleep, and go to my bed. But not when I'm in desert, then I sleep in tent.
Topic I chose- What do you like to do at night
In Israel I go out a lot. I meet special people every day. With friends of mine I eat pizza and watch chinese people speak hebrew. Then we say "let's get crazy!" a lot to the people. But I need sleep, and go to my bed. But not when I'm in desert, then I sleep in tent.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Georgina
Georgina is Liz's cousin and was coming for a visit to our apartment. Georgina is a jap.
Clara preparing a savory yet nutritious meal
Georgina "Woww. It smells really good in here!"
Clara "Really? I haven't started cooking yet."
Georgina "So, do you like, have to cook all your meals?"
Me "We have a servant... His name is Juan. He comes tuesdays and thursdays."
Georgina "Really?"
Me "What? No."
Clara preparing a savory yet nutritious meal
Georgina "Woww. It smells really good in here!"
Clara "Really? I haven't started cooking yet."
Georgina "So, do you like, have to cook all your meals?"
Me "We have a servant... His name is Juan. He comes tuesdays and thursdays."
Georgina "Really?"
Me "What? No."
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Food Poisoning
Last winter I spent three of the worst days of my life with some kind of stomach infection that left me unable to eat anything.
So after three days I decide to eat, and thus begins the worst bout of food poisoning I have ever experienced.
A few hours after consuming my nostradamus pizza, I go to the hostel to do laundry and realize my three day au naturel battle is over, I need MEDICINE.
I walk to the bus stop and wait for twenty minutes.
....to watch the bus pass by.
I have no choice but to walk the thirty minute trek to the mall. It is very cold and every down step I take gives a nasty lurch in my stomach. Finally I get there and hunt down the pharmacy.
So after three days I decide to eat, and thus begins the worst bout of food poisoning I have ever experienced.
A few hours after consuming my nostradamus pizza, I go to the hostel to do laundry and realize my three day au naturel battle is over, I need MEDICINE.
I walk to the bus stop and wait for twenty minutes.
....to watch the bus pass by.
I have no choice but to walk the thirty minute trek to the mall. It is very cold and every down step I take gives a nasty lurch in my stomach. Finally I get there and hunt down the pharmacy.
Is there a deficit of medical supply in Israel? Literally twenty people were in that line.
I waited.
And I waited.
When it is fucking finally my turn I just,
And I waited.
When it is fucking finally my turn I just,
"I HAVE FOOD POISENING. DO YOU HAVE MEDICINE FOR THAT."
She looks at me, and tells me to stand in the other line. I hope I looked like I was about to cry, because that's how it felt.
I could only wince and think to every person in front of me, "I am carrying forty pounds of infected food in my stomach, and it is about to be unleashed on one of you."
Finally, Finally, I get some pepto bismol and an Israeli brand. I take the maximum dosage of both, and then gently collapse onto the bus stop bench.
Thirty-five minutes go by. I am so cold and look homeless on my bench. This feeling is quickly usurped by the knowledge that my bus is NOT coming.
I could only wince and think to every person in front of me, "I am carrying forty pounds of infected food in my stomach, and it is about to be unleashed on one of you."
Finally, Finally, I get some pepto bismol and an Israeli brand. I take the maximum dosage of both, and then gently collapse onto the bus stop bench.
Thirty-five minutes go by. I am so cold and look homeless on my bench. This feeling is quickly usurped by the knowledge that my bus is NOT coming.
I feel like I ruptured my appendix or am internally exploding, the pain is so exquisitely intense. I get on the next bus I see.
Twenty-five minutes pass.
"Uh oh."
Yes, I actually say this out loud because I realize I have to get off the bus. RIGHT NOW.
I run to the darkest most desolate place I see, which is about eight feet from the bus on Emmec Rafaiin and start violently projecting from both ends. After a solid five minutes, I have successfully vomited and shit all over myself in front of a lot of people. It is a fifteen minute walk straight uphill in soggy jeans to my apartment from where I am. This thought leads me into Burger Bar where I shuffle into the bathroom. I spend the next thirty-five minutes cleaning myself up, and change into clean clothes from the laundry that has just saved my life. I peak out and look to the three guys working there; it is otherwise empty. I look down at the jeans I am consciously holding.
Me "Ok, you guys can't look when I come out of the bathroom. Which is now."
One of them gets in a little kerfuffle.
$ "What, we work, we have to look."
Me "No. You don't understand. There was an accident and I had to change my clothes."
$ "So come then."
Twenty-five minutes pass.
"Uh oh."
Yes, I actually say this out loud because I realize I have to get off the bus. RIGHT NOW.
I run to the darkest most desolate place I see, which is about eight feet from the bus on Emmec Rafaiin and start violently projecting from both ends. After a solid five minutes, I have successfully vomited and shit all over myself in front of a lot of people. It is a fifteen minute walk straight uphill in soggy jeans to my apartment from where I am. This thought leads me into Burger Bar where I shuffle into the bathroom. I spend the next thirty-five minutes cleaning myself up, and change into clean clothes from the laundry that has just saved my life. I peak out and look to the three guys working there; it is otherwise empty. I look down at the jeans I am consciously holding.
Me "Ok, you guys can't look when I come out of the bathroom. Which is now."
One of them gets in a little kerfuffle.
$ "What, we work, we have to look."
Me "No. You don't understand. There was an accident and I had to change my clothes."
$ "So come then."
I walk cautiously and am about be the focal point of their views (was walking behind counter)
Me [to one in front of me] "You have to close your eyes!"
$ "What, you don't believe me?" as he points to his eyes, semi-closed.
I run out. When I look through the glass they are ALL staring at me. I feel bad for whoever had to clean that little bathroom.
So I continue my journey home after a brief intermission and realize... I'm walking in the wrong direction. Defeated, I throw away my most expensive, favorite, and only pair of jeans. I get a taxi.
It is midnight when I get home, and Dorona is sitting in the middle of the room, doing art. I need the bathroom.
[From bathroom]
Me "OK DORONA, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE THE APARTMENT FOR...TWO MINUTES."
Dorona "Why?"
Me "Because there's about to be some anal rapage that NOBODY deserves to be apart of."
Dorona [whiny voice] "But I'm in the middle of my art project..."
Me "DORONA, ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU HAVE TO LEAVE."
Dorona "Yeah, but I'm sure you guys have all heard some stuff when it's me in there."
Me "....Uh. [pause] To each his own."
Dorona "Ok, fiiine."
[whiny voice]
"But where am I gonna go?"
Me "WHO. CARES! JUST STAND NEXT TO THE DOOR FOR LIKE..FIVE MINUTES!"
six minutes later, outside
Me "Where's Dorona?"
Person Named Daniel Siegel "She said you kicked her out."
Me [to one in front of me] "You have to close your eyes!"
$ "What, you don't believe me?" as he points to his eyes, semi-closed.
I run out. When I look through the glass they are ALL staring at me. I feel bad for whoever had to clean that little bathroom.
So I continue my journey home after a brief intermission and realize... I'm walking in the wrong direction. Defeated, I throw away my most expensive, favorite, and only pair of jeans. I get a taxi.
It is midnight when I get home, and Dorona is sitting in the middle of the room, doing art. I need the bathroom.
[From bathroom]
Me "OK DORONA, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE THE APARTMENT FOR...TWO MINUTES."
Dorona "Why?"
Me "Because there's about to be some anal rapage that NOBODY deserves to be apart of."
Dorona [whiny voice] "But I'm in the middle of my art project..."
Me "DORONA, ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU HAVE TO LEAVE."
Dorona "Yeah, but I'm sure you guys have all heard some stuff when it's me in there."
Me "....Uh. [pause] To each his own."
Dorona "Ok, fiiine."
[whiny voice]
"But where am I gonna go?"
Me "WHO. CARES! JUST STAND NEXT TO THE DOOR FOR LIKE..FIVE MINUTES!"
six minutes later, outside
Me "Where's Dorona?"
Person Named Daniel Siegel "She said you kicked her out."
How to solve a problem
So tonights agenda consists of a skateboard art exhibit for Georgia, then we continue on with ghetto-fab party at somewhere, and LimaLima. Georgia and I are running over these plans and of the slight dent this will incur to our account balances. This being said, Georgia feels less inclined to go, but after promising her roommates her attendance at the skateboard exhibit, if she bails, her apartment will hate her for it. The following conversation ensues:
Me "When has the threat of your apartment hating you ever stopped you?
Georgia "Well... but then we'll both be lost looking for Comfort 13..."
Me "Yeah, and that's WORSE than me lost by myself...?"
Georgia "-OH! You know what we can do?!"
Me "?"
Georgia "We [her apartment] have this wine that we can drink, Katzman said it's actually cooking wine, like not actual wine to drink, so we have that! And then.... we can go and be like, "Afo... comfort 13?" to the bus driver and he'll be like, "Of course I take you!"
Me "-GEORGIA. Not only did you propose an idea that won't make your roommates hate you any less, you possibly made it even HARDER for us to find Comfort fucking 13 by getting DRUNK."
Georgia "Yeah, ok, but everything works better when you're drunk."
Me "That's true. ok."
the creators
this is an introduction of sorts. i found that funny things were happening.. and i would like to remember them. so i carried the harry potter journal around and made my portable memories. i hope these stories put a smile on that little face, and are not just "you had to be there" things.
And if you cant take a joke, are easily offended, or just generally suck then this is not the place for you.
GEORGIA
-----------------
[arts track waiting early in the mo'n at the square in holon to go on some trip]
lull in conversation
"Look at that fucking BIRD! IT'S THE KING"
wandering in the desert away from concert for arts track
Me "1. if we get lost we can just... follow THE MUSIC! and B. we can't get lost because we have my keen sense of direction to lean on."
Georgia "1 and B...?"
Me "Great, we're too far away... but not close enough........"
Me "Uh oh. How much time to we have??"
without a moments hesitation, peter pan prance in front of me and opens purse revealing huge bottle I dont know
Georgia "How much ALCOHOL do we have?!"
35 minutes later, lost
Georgia "Is that a wedding?"
Me "The music we've been following.....has led us to a wedding."
pause.
"Well, let's go!"
"Oh, and I looked up what "slut" is in Urban Dictionary, and I don't think I apply."
muffled into arielle's lap getting back scratched and Chana hits her on the back
Georgia "I don't know what that was, but I'll fucking shoot you in the stomach while you sleep, bitch"
Chana "well you don't even have a gun, and Dan [the guy she went on a date with] does (smirk)."
Georgia louder muffles "I'll hit you in the face with Dan's cock!"
sitting at 1 in the afternoon in Moses
Georgia "Let's get a cocktail..."
Me "You like cocktails?
Georgia "I dunno.
...........just wanna start drinkin'..."
Me [in hysterics]
Georgia "Is that so bad?!"
In a tipi we slept in at some remote hippi location
Georgia "Oh, and I found something really cute, I was folding the blanket, and I saw an earwig scurry across your pillow."
Georgia "But I like Eran because I think he reminds me of Preston because he calls me stupid and ugly, -like when we were talking about the Oscars he said "Yeah, I bet you won ugliest."
Georgia "Let's make apple pie."
Georgia "Let's make APPLE pie!"
Georgia "Let's make apple PIE"
Me "Oh my god ok."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)