Purim with Nadav

In an interesting turn of events, everyone somehow ended up dressing the same. Completely by chance.
In their respective groups:
The hippies; our madricha, shoshannah, and arielle k
The tourists; Jake Arnold and Seth
The Holy Trinity; Georgia as an angel, Maya as a ghost, and me as God)
The pin-up girls; Leigh, abby, and Hannah Skahill
The peter pan crew; Rebekah hoffer and Danielle Nachowitz as Tinkerbell, David as PP
The leopard people; Sarah steinberg, Ariela, Yarden
Stereotype Israelis; Martin the Brit as a Hassidic boy, Zach as a soldier
Miscellaneous; Nofar as pocahantus and GingerJon as a basketball player (with a basketball taped to his hand)

Nadav comes over and I tell him he is a father. He negates this comment.
Nadav "Oh, you don't know me."
Me "I wanna get to know you."
Nadav "Ok let's do shots."

10 shots later, I notice... I am much drunker than Nadav. And my mouth has gone numb. Why isn't he drunk?
Me "Why aren't you drunk?"
Nadav "Because I have responsibilities."

Ohhboy.

We go to the street party. except it isn't a street party.
It is however, a mosh pit, of Jokers and trannies, that encompasses the ENTIRE streets of Florentine and beyond.
We sit down after an hour of the craziness that is Purim in Tel Aviv, and Nadav thinks I am falling asleep. He is wrong, but Georgia is attacked by new hopes and dreams in the form of her thinking I needed an XL. There was a small warning ("Ok, BYE!") and she was off. And not just ambled away, she was full-on SPRINTING.
Nadav looks down at me and says, "You ready?"
I sigh. "Yep."
He takes my hand and we hurtle after her.

After a couple hours, the "responsibilty" part came to a tantamount climax. We are taken home.
I think Nadav has accepted the package deal that is Georgia and myself because we ended up pushing Georgia's bed next to mine and all sleeping in one big bed.

Arsim Park

Liz, Shoshanna, Me, Arielle, Georgia on a bench in a park. It's night. Six baby arsim descend upon from the four corners.

Arse "So you come here?"
Me "I live here."
[pointing down to bench]
"RIGHT here."

Arse "You want to come round with me?"
Georgia "Are you serious."
Arse [asks his friends]
Friends "He wants to know if you want to see Holon with him."
Georgia "And Iwant to know if he's serious."
[Everyone in unison] "Yeah, yeah"
Georgia "No."

Shoshanna "Yeah, we're all virgins. Except for THAT one." [points at the end of the bench to, of course, the only virgin present]
"They're together." [now to Georgia and me]
Arse "You guys, you both lesbians?"
Us "Mhmm."
Arse "You kiss?"
Us "Yeah."
Intervening other "You FUCK?"
.....
Georgia (serenely) "Yeah"
Arse "I can come?"
Another Arse "He's really BIG"
Georgia "Yeah you can come."
Arse "I don't believe you lesbian. Prove you are, kiss."
Us "No."
Arse "I don't believe."
Me "Give me 50 shekels."

Various Exchanges

[a conversation between two people who hate eachother]

Yael Gabi "I only need one friend."
Maya "Really? I like to have two...you know...?-in case one's busy."


Georgia "I dunno, whenever I make friends with girls... they always try and pass me off as a gift to their brother."


Georgia "Jared will you stop being a BITCH for TWO SECONDS.
Jared "And What, Make You French Fries? YEAH FUCKING Right"


Random Josh Canada Moment "I know it's weird asking, but is Derona here?"


Maya "Because he knows I love him!"
Me "How?"
Maya "Because I stare and laugh at him."


[page in magazine with guy in small gold lame underwear ]
Maya "Wow I really like him Weinman."
Me "Why?"
Maya "I don't know... I like his little peen."


[on how old most of the people on YC look]

Unknown "I wouldn't be surprised if Moshe Tightz turned out to be 27 and an imposter."


[Georgia spying from apartment window]
Date from Facebook "I can see you looking at me. Why won't you come down"
Georgia "Uh...I'm overweight.
DfF "I've seen you on webcam. You're not overweight."
Georgia "Well, what I'm doing is pretty fucked up anyways. Why do you still want to see me?"
DfF "Fine, I'm leaving. Fuck you."
Georgia "Okay."

Just a fun miscelleaneous

Sitting on a bench on Emmek. Guy on motorcycle pulls up.

Guy "hefedmhbfd afo Jaffa juyufgh....?"
Me "Um, I can't hear you. And I don't speak hebrew."
He is wearing a helmet that encompasses his entire head and neck. Apart from the strip of translucency that shows his eyes, he is literally wearing a space helmet.

Guy "Do you know where Jaffa is?"
Me "That way [big vague point to the right, because I'm pretty much the best direction giver ever]

8 minutes later

Pulls up again
Guy "Are you waiting for someone?"
Me "Nope."
Guy "Do you have any free time?"
Me "Uh."
Guy "Will you come to Jaffa with me?"
Me "I can't even see your face."
Guy "...Yeah"
Me "Take off your helmet."
Guy "Ehh...no."
Me "How can I go if I don't even know what you look like?"
Guy "It makes things more interesting."
I can tell he's smiling when he says this.
Me "Yeah, but... If I had a helmet on my head you wouldn't have even stopped to talk to me."
Guy "....This is true. How 'bout I make a deal. When you come to Jaffa with me..."
Me "So after we GET there, then you'll take your helmet off?"
Guy "No."
Me [dramatic sigh] "Then I guess I'm just gonna have to assume you're creepy."
Guy "Ok."

Glam-ou-rama

I am leaning on a column outside the club, after many minutes of dancing to various Mamma Mia and Britney Spears songs. I am currently calling Georgia, and at the exact moment I hang up, I equally surprised and alarmed by a sudden presence. A blond guy is very close to my face.

Imagine your typical surfer, with the aesthetic of a french male.
He speaks hebrew in a quiet voice:
FrenchBlondSurfer "[......hebrew...................?]"
Me "Uh,"
FBS [repeats]
Me "Anee. lo. medeberit. anglit."
thats actually how slow I said it.
FBS "You don't speak hebrew?"
He is literally 6 inches from my face.
Me "No."
FBS "What do you speak?"
Me "English..."
FBS "Where are you from?"
Me "....America."
FBS "[pause] Why you here....?" soft stoner voice at its best.
Me "Cuz I just came from there-"
FBS " .......Why you not in there?"
Me "Because I'm here."
FBS "....Why?"
Me "Because I hurt my foot and I'm bleeding everywhere."
FBS "I...(puts hand over heart) can take you."
Me "Uh, you can?"
FBS "Yes."
Me "Wait, are you gonna do something bad?"
FBS "Yes."
Huh, not the answer I was expecting.
Me "[jump back] What?!"
FBS [he laughs] "Come I take you."
pause
Me "Are you ok? You seem..... high or drunk."
FBS "Ehh.. [waves hand]" again with the ever-present smile

what ended up happening was me galloping away into the darkness (the wrong direction and alone)... only to get another ride offer by a complete, much older, and UNattractive stranger... "Mickey". Which I took. Only to be the prelude to a series of hitched rides and new mode of transportation.

Intro: Jared

Jared "I love crows."
Me "Why?"
Jared "Because of how they sound."
Me "How do they sound like?"
Jared "In pain and depressed."

[singing Part of Your World]
Me "You like the song Part of Your World? Why??"
Jared "It's EMPOWERING."

Jared "Corey is the simplest person I've ever met. He's like a rock. A grain of sand."

looking at a huge mural depicting Jerusalem
[wistful tone] "Look at all the children. Enjoying their LACHMANEEOT."

Jared "Isn't that a good quote?"
Me "What, I wasn't listening."
Jared "To find someone you love, you have to be someone you love."
Me [!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Jared "Isn't that good?!"
Jared [voice high in pitch] "What!!"

[watching youtube videos of pandas]
Me [in disgust] "Are you CRYING?"
Jared [voice completely cracked] Yeeeah..."
Me [horrified]
Jared "That's the fucking c-cutest I've [even higher] ever seeen..."

Me [holding nipples imitating Buffalo Bill] "I'D FUCK ME!!!"
Jared (beyond perfect imitation, completely transforming to our favorite transexual) "It puts the lotion on its skin whenever its told."
"PUT THE LOTION IN THE BAY-ESKET!"

Jared on Eli's tatto:
"You know when you love someone so much?
....I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."

Jared "Do you have any Wacky Mac left? You DOO?!!"

7 minutes later

Jared "Let's make food. You wanna make food?"
Me "How about wacky mac.
Jared "No.
......
Let's make pasta."
Me "Who has noodles?"
Jared "We do."
Me "Who has cheese?"
Jared "You."
Me "It's pizza cheese."
Jared "So? It still melts."
Georgia "...Isn't that Wacky Mac?"
Jared "It's already EIGHT O'CLOCK."
[me and georgia look at eachother]
Me "Do you have somewhere to be?"
Jared "No."

Heimlich Maneuver

So it's just me and Deronda (Dorona), always and 4eva, sitting next to eachother on our laptops. I reach for my last Werthers Butter Candy...

Dorona "Oh my."
Me "It's my last one."
Dorona "Oh."

I know saying no will haunt me forever, in that she will never let me forget it if she ever offered (begrudgingly) me anything.

Me "But you can have it."
Dorona "Really!"
Me "Oh yes."

Right as she pops it in her mouth Corinne comes in... and she starts CHOKING.

Corinne in open doorway "doronasdying!"
Me [staring incredulous]
Corinne with big smile "DORONASDYING!"

She is literally turning red and dying before my eyes.

Me "Dorona if you die... I'm not gonna save you."

Have you ever seen when someone gets something trapped in their windpipe and they start laughing and sound like a smoker and a man at the same time? That's what was happening.

Dorona "Guys..[cough cough] I'm not gonna die."
Me "I don't believe you..."
Dorona "It's ok. [regaining control] I can just go like this [wraps arms around torso and I guess gives a little push]."
Me "Oh, so if I just give myself a hug I'll successfully perform the Heimlich Maneuver? Cool."
Dorona "No, you go like this"-and as she pushes against her body she FARTS.

It's hard to remember feeling so unsure of what to do.

Me "Dorona...!"
Dorona {laughing incessantly]
Me "I can't believe that just happened."
Dorona "It wasn't that bad. It was a baby...!"
Me "OH, there were some echoes."
Dorona [still laughing]
Me "That was not very lady-like."
Dorona [voice still recovering at about 5 octaves too low] "I never said I was a lady..."